August 21, 2003
I liked Linda Hamilton's make-up last night on the telly

It's only a small thing, but a thing nevertheless. Last night I was watching a nothing movie with Charlie Sheen in it. Which is rather tautological, because Charlie Sheen is such a bad actor. I saw another Charlie Sheen movie (which was still great despite him because it had Denise Richards in it) where he spent the whole thing reminding me of something, and I only later worked out that it was that actor who played Loo-tenant Weinberg in A Few Good Men, who did a skit performance of a Really Slow and Portentous News Anchor Man who is famous (in America) for being really Slow and Portentous, in a movie called The Opposite Sex which also had the brunette skinny one from Friends in it who changed her name by adding her husband's surname to her own name when she got married which actresses should never do, I think. That's how bad Charlie Sheen is. He acts, for real, like someone else's send-up of a Slow and Portentous News Anchor Man.

(Denise Richards is a classic example of an under-rated actress. People confuse the fact that she plays bimbos so very cleverly and entertainingly with the notion that she, Denise Richards, is a real life bimbo. She is actually a terrific comic actress. But let that pass. This posting is about Linda Hamilton, and only about Denise Richards in passing.)

Anyway, acting opposite Charlie Sheen in this nothing movie was Linda Hamilton, no less. She who is the mother of the Saviour of Mankind in Terminator 2, and who then married the Director of it who then did Titanic (incidentally Titanic star Leonardo DiCaprio (and what a piece of crap this is, don't you think?) only has to get a bit older and he'll look like Bill Clinton), but then they divorced for some reason. She who is hit by an earthquake in Earthquake (I think that was her) alongside the latest James Bond before he was James Bond. (Denise Richards on the other hand, acted alongside James Bond when he was James Bond. I had not forgotten about that.) No, it was a volcano, but it wasn't called Volcano.

I really like Linda Hamilton. Think how much less bad Dangerous Minds would have been if Linda Hamilton had played the ex-Marine school teacher, instead of Michelle (Grease 2) Pfeiffer – whom I also adore and who may for all I know actually be an ex-Marine, but to me she does not look like one. (The real person Michelle Pfeiffer enacted in Dangerous Minds actually looks a bit like Molly Ringwald. Strange. I never figured Molly Ringwald for a US Marine. Or maybe, she looks more like the actress who played the photographer in the much derided but I think quite interesting Perfect in which Jaime Lee Curtis played a swimmer/aerobics instructor. Anne De Salvo, that was her. But not so much in this photo.)

Anyway, the small thing. Linda Hamilton and Charlie Sheen were being chased around Washington and its surrounding areas by the US government. Incidentally, the assassin in this movie was also the assassin in another movie (a much better one) which was also on TV last night called The Hard Way, which is the one where Michael J. Fox plays a movie star and James Woods plays a hard-driven New York cop. More tautology. I mean, when do you ever have soft-driven New York cops in movies? Who is that guy? The assassin I mean. (His name is Stephen Lang. You can't ask rhetorical questions in blog postings. Blog postings have links. To do links, you have to find them. And if you can find links, you can find who played the assassin in some idiot movie, in about half a minute. I went to a site about the nothing movie, and I found the cast list.)

Anyway, the small thing. Linda Hamilton was being chased.

Most actresses being chased around in nothing movies just go where they're put and run where they're told to run and they say whatever nonsense they have to say. But, they insist on their make-up looking flawless throughout all this foolishness, as if out to dinner in a fifties Dean Martin movie or something, despite being attacked by dinosaurs or submarines or space aliens for about a solid week of mayhem. Which only makes everything look about five times sillier than it would have looked anyway which was pretty damn silly to start with.

Linda Hamilton, however, while being chased around Washington and surrounding areas, played a woman who was not, as you probably wouldn't be in such circumstances after about the first four hours of being chased around, wearing any make-up. And that is how she really looked. I've probably seen a female lead in a silly film played as un-made-up before, but for the life of me I can't remember when that would have been.

Of course, Linda Hamilton, the actress, was wearing make-up, on much the same basis that I presume Charlie Sheen, the (bad) actor, was also wearing make-up. But my point is, she genuinely and truly looked as if she wasn't. She looked like a woman who was simply too busy to doing with make-up, what with people firing rockets at her out of helicopters and such like. Which made everything look only about half as silly as such things usually do.

Good for Linda Hamilton, is my point. I don't know everything about how Hollywood operates, in fact I know hardly anything about how Hollywood operates, but it is my understanding that if a star actress doesn't like the way her make-up looks they redo it until she does. Star actresses have make-up approval. So Linda Hamilton let this happen. I was impressed. Smart woman. She would never make the mistake of suddenly calling herself Linda Hamilton Titanic Director's Surname. (I know: Linda Hamilton Cameron.)

Although, now I think about it, Charlie Sheen was quite amusing as Pheobe's submariner boyfriend in Friends, where they both got chicken pox.

Posted by Brian Micklethwait at 01:55 AM
Category: Movies