Brian Micklethwait's Blog

In which I continue to seek part time employment as the ruler of the world.


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Category archive: Comedy

Thursday November 19 2015

Rather as a politician, when sacked, pretends that he has resigned to spend more time with whatever is left of his family, when a cricketer gets the elbow from the national team, the selectors always now say stuff like this:

James Whitaker, the national selector, said: “Ian Bell has been an outstanding player for many years and undoubtedly still has plenty to offer England in the future. It was clearly a difficult decision but he has struggled for runs in recent series and we felt that it was the right time for him to take a break and spend time working on his game out of the spotlight.

Outstanding player.  More to offer.  Take a break.  Work on his game.  Out of the spotlight.  And sometimes, it’s even true.  After all, Compton and Ballance are both back.  But the difference is age.  Compton and Ballance are still quite young.  Bell is at that age where he is either good now, or not.  He doesn’t have a potential big decade to offer in the future, just one or two more years right now.

Bell’s problem is that he has always been the kind of player who can make a good team better, but he has never been the kind of player good enough to make a bad team good.  And even when he was playing really well, which he did from time to time, you kind of didn’t notice.  He was never a “game changer”, merely a pretty good player, who sometimes did really well, and sometimes not so well.

Talking of bellends, for several years now the comedians on the telly have been using this, to me, peculiar expression, to describe people they are not impressed by and are inclined to mock.  But only now, wanting to add something to this posting, did I learn that the bellend is the head of the penis.  Which presumably makes the bell … Blog and learn.

Tuesday November 10 2015



I’ve not been out much lately, but last Friday night I got to see Perry and Adriana’s new version of indoors.  That was the best photo I took, of a drying up cloth.

Click on that to see Adriana’s trousers, of the sort that are presumably threatening all the time to get tighter.

Monday October 26 2015

I just sat down to do a BMdotcom posting, about some strange disruption inflicted earlier this evening upon the Royal College of Music by the London premiere of the new James Bond movie.  While composing this posting, I realised that it would do nicely for Samizdata, so there it went.  I don’t do nearly enough for Samizdata these days.

The posting was based on something that Goddaughter 2 (now a student at the RCM) told me.  And she also told me something else, this time not disturbing or of any public significance, but merely rather entertaining.

GD2 now inhabits a big building, full of rooms occupied by her and her fellow students.  Lots of rooms.  Lots of doors.  All the doors looking like each other.

So, one of the ladies in a nearby room to GD2 has a boyfriend staying the night.  Boyfriend needs a piss.  Being a relaxed sort of individual, he strolls to the toilet, naked.  It is deep into the night, and he expects not to encounter anyone, and he does not, at first.  But then, problem.  Which door is the door to the room of his lady friend?  He does not remember.  About four different wrong doors are opened, complete with people behind them, most of whom were surprised but amused, before the correct door is found.

If this was a movie, that would only have been the beginning of the mayhem and the reactions to being woken up by a naked man at the door would have been far more extreme than they actually were.  But for me, this was mayhem enough to be very entertaining.  Boyfriend wasn’t bothered.  Like I say, a relaxed sort of individual.  And no harm at all came of this little nocturnal drama.  Just a mildly entertaining blog posting, or so I hope.

Monday September 14 2015

A notable Brian has just died. Close.

Scyld Berry writes about the bravest man to ever play cricket:

The story was that when a ball hit him on the head at short-leg, he shouted “catch it!” Eric Morecombe joked that the start of the cricket season was the sound of leather on Brian Close.

RIP Tweet by Alan Butcher (which was how I learned about this):

Was once in a Roller with Brian Close. Went over a speed bump too quick. His head went clean through the roof upholstery.

Close was also one of the few men ever to make Boycott get a move on (see para 11).

He was a great England captain, briefly, but was then sacked for … well, for wanting to win too much, basically.  Then reinstated briefly, much later.  Should have been captain all that time.

Sunday September 13 2015

Excellent piece in the Daily Mash about photography and its impact, entitled Everyone sad because of photo of thing that’s been happening for months.  I only just noticed this piece, probably because it didn’t include a photograph:

It has been confirmed that everyone kind of knew the thing was happening, but now they are very sad and angry because there is a photo of it.

The thing about a photo is that a vivid photo can tell a story very quickly, this being why this particular one is getting around so much and being talked about so much.  Not necessarily a true story, not straight away, but a story.  And that’s what you want, if you are The Media.  The Media sell stories.  Truth, factual and/or moral, is nice too, but not the essence of the product.  That photos do their job well is not a “conscience” thing.  It is a speed of communication thing.  Photos communicate a lot very quickly.

The speed with which a picture tells a story is why I have so many photos here.  This is a kitten blog.  It doesn’t take itself too seriously and it doesn’t expect you to take it seriously, unless you want to.  My photos don’t consume your time, unless you want them to.  Often, I only tell my stories here at all if I have a photo.  It would take too long to explain with mere words, and anyway, what would be the point?

Headlines aren’t necessarily true either.  In fact, I would say that the biggest media lies are to be found in photos and in headlines.  Photos typically lie, when they do lie, by omission.  Headlines just lie, and you can often tell they’re lies simply be reading the story under them.

Why do headlines lie?  Because that often makes for a more appealing story.  The truth is usually more mundane.  But mundane doesn’t get you eyeballs.

Thursday August 13 2015

Yesterday’s posting was about, among other things, a photo I failed to take.  But not long after that failure, I succeeded in taking these snaps.  Which were a lot easier because nothing was moving:

image imageimage image

Not long ago, I photoed another selfie stick clutch.  But the selfie stick clutch above came out better, I think.  Less clutter in the background.  Better light.

That joke card was obviously composed and printed and sold by people who take it for granted that it is the government’s job to make you rich, because the implication is that government cuts make you poor.  But if you have an honest job, then government cuts will make you richer, especially if they knock it off the income tax.  And the graphic design should have been more deadpan.  As it is, it rather draws attention to itself and spoils the comic effect.  But I like it anyway.  Not enough to want to buy it, you understand.  But enough to photo it.

Strictly speaking, that scaffolding is not in Oxford Street, merely visible from Oxford Street.  But when it comes to scaffolding, rules don’t apply.

Friday July 24 2015

I have been reading Richard J. Evans’s account of the libel trial which took place at the High Court in 2000, in which David Irving sued the American historian Deborah Lipstadt, and her publisher Penguin Books.  In one of her books, Lipstadt had called Irving a bad and dishonest non-historian, and Irving was trying to suppress this opinion.  Irving lost.

Richard J. Evans was the expert witness who did most to blow Irving’s claims to be an honest and effective historian out of the water.

The Evans book is entitled Telling Lies About Hitler.  At the end of the chapter in it entitled “In The Witness Box” (p. 231), Evans recounts a truly extraordinary moment, right at the end of the court proceedings:

And when it came to rebutting the defence charge of consorting with neo-Nazis in Germany, Irving’s habit of improvising from his prepared text led him into a fatal slip of the tongue, as he inadvertently addressed the judge as ‘Mein Fuhrer’.  Everyone in court knew that he was referring to the judge as ‘Mein Fuhrer’ from the tone of voice in which he said it.  The court dissolved into laughter.  ‘No one could believe what just happened,’ wrote one spectator.  ‘Had we imagined it? Could he have addressed the judge as “Mein Fuhrer”?’ Irving himself denied having made the slip.  But amid the laughter in court, he could be seen mumbling an apology to the judge for having addressed him in this way.  Perhaps the slip was a consequence of Irving’s unconscious identification of the judge as a benign authority figure.  Whatever the reason for it, with the laughter still ringing in its ears, the court adjourned on 15 March 2000 as the judge prepared the final version of his judgment on the case.


Tuesday July 14 2015

Another of those Wicked Camper vans, from the same fleet as this one:


It was never a totally White Van, but someone has painted some white on it.

I recently saw another of these vans with something like “Chuck Norris is the only person who can slam a revolving door”, but my photoing reflexes were too slow to capture it.  When I do photo this, I’ll try to remember that I said I might put the picture up here.

I agree with you.  Yes, it is a good marketing strategy.  Both of us are right about that.  And I see that these arseholes have been helping.

A rather argumentative van
Paul Johnson on Mozart and Da Ponte
Another quota sign
White Vin Van
Hand done photos
Sixty Charlie Hebdo demo signs that say something other than “Je Suis Charlie”
Tower Bridge glass shattered by beer bottle
Fuck the duck until exploded
Happy Friday (eventually)
BrianMicklethwaitDotCom musical quote of the day
Confirming my String prejudices
A Sunday ramble
Why you are wrong
Brian Micklethwait dot com quote of the day
Why aren’t people happier about amazing new stuff?
The joyful excitement of the Festival lyrique international de Belle-Île-en-Mer
Big Things on a better day
Mash cats
Tube interrupted
Friend on telly
Quota videos
A Strutton Ground shop and a Strutton Ground pub
Rothko Toast
A Fleet Street lunch
Funniest run out ever?
Monkey Toast at the Leicester Square Theatre
Kissa yrittää mennä laatikkoon
This is transport
BMdotCOM Headline of the week
I’m Charia Hebdo!
Adam Curtis skewered
Lion steals camera
Quota hedgehog sculpture
Does Kevin Pietersen have a weakness against bowlers?
Gordon Brown curses the United Kingdom
Collision photo
The politics of humour in the USA and in Britain
BrianMicklethwaitDotCom spam comment spelling mistake of the day
BrianMicklethwaitDotCom mixed metaphor of the day
The Green alliance
A blog posting linking to a science article
Woody Allen on media lies and on not learning as he gets older
Christianity defined
303 Squadron in the movie and on the telly
Frank J random thought for the day
BrianMicklethwaitDotCom twitter of the day before the day before yesterday
Robert Chambers
“I can’t respond to any e-mails today …”
You had a hard disc?  Luxury!
Unravelling the puzzle – and making it into a movie
Laughing gas
Barney Stinson on how gay marriage will encourage regular marriage
Johanna Kaschke versus the Deluded Leftwinger
Prize idiots
What Bercow does next
Another politician who looks like a noted comedy actor of yesteryear
Labour down – silly parties up
TARP stuff - and a trip to Sheffield
Excellent mixed metaphor
“… the idea is to remain ignorant of how dumb you look …”
Quota quotes from Wodehouse
There’s only one way to find out!  Fight!
Gordon Brown to guarantee everything
Not the same thing
Jellennium Bridge
“It’s only a parable!”
Never mind the telly
Portable copiers and copying jokes
Today I have been blogging elsewhere and also doing other things
Printer with face - eating children
The Rite of Spring sounds to me like technology rather than nature
God explained
Cats etc.
Probably not right - but definitely written
At the dogs
Heh indeed
Irrelevant heart attack adverts
Indexed - blogrolled
Not everything means anything
Spreading the word for free
Oscar Wilde defends society
Top tips from Viz
You can have everything
Very amusing person alert
Boo hoo
Pie error
Comedians and a picture of a lady comedian
More about rhetoric
More comedy and a Piccadilly Circus Billion Monkey!
On stand-up comedy and politics
I won’t be doing any television myself in the near future but in the meantime have a watch of this
Those little big things that you hate
“And also our sensitivity to our office being firebombed”
More IP violating: Barry Beelzebub on Freepost bricks and a still-legal wild boar hunt
The return of the prodigal
It went fine
Comedy tonight and another car headlight today
Comedy on Thursday and rehearsing for it
Gay marriage
The moles of Wycombe
Is sit-down comedy the new rock and roll?
“Jeepers Professor!”
Get back
Bromwell High is very good
Douglas Jardine and Spike Milligan