Brian, I’ll hope you’ll forgive me saying that this very funny post has made me appreciate the travel skills I’ve developed as a frequent flier. (Also, I always suspected that the whole standing up business was a huge palaver at least some of the time.)

Next time you’ll come prepared!

Thanks for the laugh

It makes me wince more than laugh.

It’s not so much being prepared as knowing how to be prepared, and this gets better with practice. And knowing that “Boarding” and “Last Call” on the screen generally mean you have plenty of time to go to the toilet - it’s “Gate Closing” you should worry about. (Even then, I would suggest going to the gate, and if there are more than half a dozen people who have not boarded yet, going back to the nearest toilet and doing your business).

I think my main piece of advice is “Don’t get stressed about missing your flight. Ever. Even if you have just missed your flight”. Catching a plane is ultimately little different from catching a bus or a train.

A couple of my Twitter posts about the Christmas bomber spring to mind:

A 2.5hr train beats a 1hr plane with check in. At what point does a 3.5 day ship with wifi beat an 8.5 hour flight with 3hrs of hell before?
http://twitter.com/antoineclarke/status/7094675841

Safe airline: all passengers killed, stripped and dissected before boarding (no luggage)
http://twitter.com/antoineclarke/status/7072759241

You were standing on a plane?  I didn’t know you could do that… yet.

I quite agree with Michael about not getting stressed when you’re about to miss something.  However, it’s easier said than done.  This happened to me in Paris a few years ago.  The rational part of me said:  “OK, so we’re going to miss the train and I’ll just have to shell out the £600 or so to get on the next one.” The irrational (and dominant) side said: “Aaaaargh!!!”

The only good part was that my companion complimented me on my “poker face”.  If only she knew.

I know, Michael, I shouldn’t have laughed. Sorry. But the scene Equilibristics in the sky IS funny.

Actually, out of all kinds of transportation airports and planes are much more user-friendly, in toilet needs’ sense. Try to find a public restroom in the subway (a Not Disgusting public restroom), or on a city bus.
In NY you could be stuck underground for 2hrs, and getting pretty desperate.

I think Jackie was actually referring to the differing postures of men and women when urinating, actually, but that’s how I read it the first time, too.

As for toilets in other transport options, these are often absent or locked in London due to concerns about terrorism, which is unfortunate.

On stress, the point is not getting stressed when you are trying to make the airport (or train, or whatever) on time. This leads to poor decisions, wasted time, lost sleep and ruined days, even in instances where you don’t miss the flight. Once you have actually missed the flight, you can get as stressed as you like, but until you do, nothing bad has happened and you should remain calm. Personally, I always find out just when is the last possible moment I can arrive to make the flight and I aim to arrive as close to that time as possible with a small margin or error. I do my homework with respect to how to get to the airport, where the transport to the airport leaves from, and fallback options. I always try to have the ability to recover if one thing goes wrong, but no more than that. That is, I get the second last train that allows me to make it, or if I get the last train, there will be a taxi option that I can get in an emergency. With proper planning, one thing going wrong sometimes happens, but seldom two. The last time I actually missed a flight was 18 months ago, and I have made perhaps 50 flights since then. I would have arrived less than 30 minutes before the last possible time to make the flight on at least half of those occasions, and in a few cases a lot less than 30 minutes.

Actually, I lie when I say that it is okay to get stressed when you do miss your flight. Even with theoretically non-changeable fares and even with discount airlines, staff behind the counter usually have some discretion with respect to helping you without making you pay the entire fare again. Sometimes I have been transferred to the next flight for free. There is often an option to charge you a £30 or so “missed flight fee” and put you on the next flight if they want to give it to you. Show up within a reasonable time of the departure time, make some plausible excuse as to why you were late. (Do your homework here too. “I was late because a train in Palencia was cancelled” is better than “I got up late and got stuck in traffic"). Be a calm and reasonable person, apologise, appear irritated with yourself (or exhausted and really wanting to get home but not angry) but not the airline or staff. Express willingness to pay the fare but ask if there is anything they can do to reduce it. Smile. And if someone does use their discretion to help you, thank them very warmly.

Oh my - I laughed.

And then I blogged it, because we’ve all been there.

http://6000.co.za/2010/01/23/brians-alicante-flight-pee-hell/

And while I loved the description of the “main event”, the cameo of the French guy was superb.

Did the Frenchman actually express any actual political and philosophical opinions you despise, or did you just make assumptions on the basis that he was French?

Assumptions.  French, longish hair, handsome in the same way that film stars are in French movies where they all say silly things.

Did he by chance, happen to say:

“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”